The maddest week of my life...

Ok, let's start from the beginning. It may help me keep track, because this is the fastest, craziest roller coaster that Life has presented me with so far!
End of May this year, just a few weeks into my new and amazing job, I found one swollen lymph node on the right hand side of my neck, towards the collar bone. My thyroid seemed a little swollen too.
I went to see my GP on June 3rd, because although I am a 'glass half full' person, that little voice in the back of my head said ''Hang on!'' - something just didn't *feel* right. AND, because my family has experienced all sorts of cancers and I wanted to rule that out and maybe get some antibiotics if it was allergic reaction or something.
My GP said he doubted it was anything to with my concerns, thought it was my thyroid playing up and said all sorts of allergies or infections can cause swollen lymph nodes, and not to worry. He sent me for blood tests for thyroid and said I would have a routine scan, might take about 6 weeks to come through. I kind of thought it should be sooner, then wondered if I was worrying too much, but that little nagging voice in the back of my head kept nudging me... the bloods were negative and GP seemed unconcerned, but a week later and I had 3 swollen lymph nodes, so I demanded to go back and see him, which was the 14th June, and told him I wanted an urgent referral.
I had a date sent for the 8th July to the ENT ward, where I had 2 fine needle aspirations and an endoscopy. YUK!!! Dr said if they were inconclusive he would refer me to a very good Dr in Newport who would do a scan under ultrasound and a biopsy. I was told to call them in 7-10 days for the results ... what's with all the waiting?!
So I called my GP who said the results were inconclusive but one thing it MIGHT be was Hashimoto's disease, where your immune system attacks your thyroid. IF it was that it would mean tablets for life and a possible op. Ok, well, that sounded do-able. So, on the 27th July, off we went to the Royal Gwent for the scan/biopsy. I saw the screen during the scan and saw some dark circles ... and my heart told me what they were, but I didn't ask, I just kept thinking ''let's wait for results before we jump to conclusions here Doctor Emma!" Then he did 4 biopsies in my neck after injecting me with local anaesthetic. One biopsy kind of exploded over his doctor's shirt. My mother had come in with me but couldn't stand the sight of the medieval looking core biopsy needle guns so hid her face! Then she took me home to rest on her sofa all day, where I lay thinking about the possibility of cancer in my neck and how being a single parent sucked at times like this and if it was cancer there was no fucking way they were getting me THAT easily!
Waiting for 10 days was hell. My lumps kept growing, and although I could breathe and eat ok, it felt like a scarf was being slowly tightened around my neck and I had to have extra pillows in bed, and - ironically - hide my neck with light summer scarves whilst at work or shopping as people were by now not being able to stop themselves staring at my neck. Having been diagnosed with fibromyalgia 2 years ago, I have been used to waves of tiredness and achy-ness, but since June I have been EXHAUSTED every afternoon, and having to drink strong coffee to stay awake, as I could fall asleep standing up!


  August 5th, appointment at Nevill Hall for the results. My friend Emma, a midwife too, offered to go with me, then my mum offered. I pondered. Mum is highly emotional, plus I didn't want to have to be worrying about what she would be feeling if they told me bad news. yes, I know, I shouldn't think like that, but I do! :)
I didn't want Emma to be upset either, but I felt she would put on her professional mode and deal with it better so i could deal with it better, if that makes sense?! It was odd, sitting there chatting about life, work, kids, boyfriends, and then being called in. Dr Raza gently talked about abnormal cells, and then mentioned, almost apologetically, lymphoma.
BANG!
My world just turned upside down. Although I'd half-expected it, it was nevertheless a huge shock. He asked if I knew what it was, a cancer? I nodded. I didn't cry or faint or anything, and I think that threw him a bit! Emma grabbed my hand and I squeezed her hand to reassure her! He told me that it was a very easily treatable cancer and so I should try not to be too stressed etc, and he would now refer me to the specialist team etc. Emma and I kind of stumbled out and found a sunny bench outside. Who to tell first? I didn't want to tell anyone, just sit in the sun and chain-smoke my last cigs away, knowing I'd have to give up the measly half a dozen I let myself smoke each evening!


  First thoughts as a single mum of 3 girls - will they be ok?? Then my new job - would I be able to keep it?? And if not, how would I look after my 3 girls??

Then a text from my stepdad - "are you still at the hospital?" - Emma was such an angel, talking me through all sorts, trying to crack jokes, offering to either tuck me up in bed or take me to my mum's etc .... I knew I had to just face it, and see their faces crumple. Ok, my mother is an absolute legend when it comes to being a Fab Granny. She does however tend to fly off the Handle of Drama and create all sorts of chaos sometimes, so I was also steeling myself for making sure she didn't go overboard ;)
My 6 year old daughter was there, so that made us all keep the banter going when she ran up to us every 10 minutes. My mum first of all tried to convince me that she should turn her den into an ensuite bedroom, or failing that, draw up a rota for the next 6 months stating what time she would turn up at my house every morning. I said to her later that day , that I would absolutely need some help and I would appreciate that help, but this was something where everyone would have to take their lead from me because I would not know in advance each day how I was feeling, physically or emotionally, and that depending on how I react to the treatments, would then impact on how much support I'd need. Pedro called - he put it in a nutshell ''So you will feel shit, then we help you, then you be ok" - sometimes having English as a 2nd language cuts right through the crap!
Then home to tell my teenagers (I have 3 daughters, 16, 13, 6) - I am waiting to tell the 6 year old something simpler nearer time of 1st treatment. I didn't use the word lymphoma as I didn't want them googling it and finding any scary stories and worrying themselves, so I said my lumps were cancerous but it wasn't 'death cancer' and I would be having chemo so I could be poorly before I got better. Their faces!! Oh that is what is so unfair about cancer for me, having to see my girls try to be brave for their mummy whilst being upset themselves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That night I was telling macabre jokes, the next morning I woke up and immediately sobbed for half an hour. Then I got up and was pissed off! Had a call at work on Tuesday from the haematology team, asking me cheerfully yet gently if I could go meet them on Wednesday, 10 am the next morning. Well, I guess so eh?!
My mum asked if I wanted company but I wanted to just go there, meet everyone , absorb what I could, and just get the feeling for the ward.
Blood tests first, then meet the consultant. She is lovely, very down to earth and talks TO you not through you like some do. She explained everything in detail, which was what I needed but my heart still felt like it had a vice gripping it. She did a physical exam of me and said it seemed the lumps were only in my neck but I'd need a CT scan to confirm. Next thing I knew I had one booked in for the next afternoon!! Then I met the ward sister, who took more bloods and then sat me down with all the literature about chemotherapy, taking my temperature 2/3 times a day once I start chemo, about avoiding high risk food groups, about the likelihood of losing all my hair, and that I would be on ABVD once a fortnight, and will need a hickman line inserted into my upper chest under a local anaesthetic so my veins don't collapse with all the blood taking, drug filling, etc. She said I can order a funky wig if I want to. And the Dr gave me a weeks worth of steroids to reduce the inflammation around my lumps - on day 4 now and my neck does look better, and feel better, less restricted. How busy was MY brain?? BUT - I felt safer, I felt that now I have an experienced team who know what to do for me, plus my family and friends to help me with any other stuff. And I felt better.
Thankfully this has excellent recovery rate so its a case of getting through the shite and knowing I'll be ok at the end of it all, I'm ok until I think about my girls, but hey, we will all be ok at the end of it.I told my teen some more info - I'm trying to give it to them in chunks so they can absorb it - and said i was likely to lose all my hair. Broni looked so upset. Meg bravely joked about it being ok coz I wouldn't have to shave my legs if I did lose my hair.
The next day was my CT appointment. That night therefore, I had to drink a pint of water with the barium meal thingy in it. BLEUGH!!!!!!!!!! And again the next day, half  a pint.  Off I went, feeling a little nauseous as also not allowed to eat for at least 3 hours before scan. 
They had to put a cannula in my arm in order to inject dye into my veins - the first nurse couldn't get a vein - mine tend to shrink - and so poked this needle around in my arm for ages and I thought I might throw up!! So instead of grinning and bearing it, I said that it was very sore and I wanted her to take it out and try somewhere else. She went to get another nurse who put it in my hand instead of arm and it worked straightaway. but after all the poking and pain after the 1st attempt, as she went to call the other nurse, I started crying. It was just as though it was the one little thing to just be the last straw after everything that has been in my head since last Friday...! They asked if I was ok and I just said it had been such an emotional week - They were very sweet to me and said they would get the CT ready immediately so I could just get it over with. :))
So I lay on a 'bed' , got hooked up to machine for injecting the dye, and the bed went back and forth in and out of this giant ''polo'' which is what the CT scanner looked like!
I found then that I was very low Thurs and Fri, tearful and pissed off - but I perked back up yesterday a little. My neighbours and I hold a BBQ every August for the folk who live on Glanusk with us, and I enjoyed it but I wasn't 'there' all night, if that makes sense?
So, that's it now until next Wednesday, maybe the results of it will be back by then, then we can ''stage'' the cancer and see how long treatment it will be.

I think that when you are the one with cancer, you go through so many emotions and thoughts, but for me anyway, I also feel like a little oasis of calm..that's partly due to being in shock sometimes, and other times it's because there's certainly no point 'sweating the small stuff', and if you are the one without the cancer, you feel so helpless, I remember feeling that way too when my uncle was ill - so whilst everyone else is worrying and flapping and crying and trying to do too much for you, you hug them and smile reassuringly at them! ;) My mother had booked months ago to take Deri away with her and Bryan (stepdad) for a few nights holiday, and we decided to keep things as normal and for them to still go - its booked for first day of chemo so they are going later in the day after bringing me home, with 3 nights worth of dinners to put in freezer :D See, she's fab! And then, if I feel ok, I have some time off from Deri, and I feel crap, I won't have Deri to worry about. My big girls will be around and so will my friends.
  I have been advised to buy a baby toothbrush and mild toothpaste and lots of mouthwash as apparently you get a sore mouth and maybe ulcers too, and then you can sometimes lose your taste buds for a while. I also need to take layers with me for chemo as you can get cold, and a book if not taking a friend; the hospital gives you sandwiches and cups of tea and you can take snacks etc. I also need to buy Vit C and D and echinacea. Well, if I stock up on advice, on resources, and on practical things, it's bound to help.
I am planning on asking for some complementary therapy, hopefully the NHS will provide some- and my friends have offered to take me wig shopping!! I may end up just wearing scarves etc around my head, but if I have a wig or two, then I have options....

So, another adventure begins. Chemo starts next Wed 17th, 10am, with bloods being taken, more advice, then the drugs; I'll be on a drip for at least 2 hours. My mother is dropping me off and a friend is coming to sit with me. How do I feel? I don't know!! Hopeful, positive, scared, intrigued, optimistic.......